I was talking with a friend lately about how it feels like for the past 5+ years God has asked me to give up A LOT! Sometimes it feels like all I’m doing is giving up people, things, hopes, and dreams… Sometimes it has felt unbearable and sometimes it has been relatively easy. Sometimes… Continue reading Are You Giving UP?
I’ve been trying to figure out a good way to start this post. I just can’t think of one. So I guess I’ll just share stuff with you and hope that God uses my fuzzy thinking to bless! He’s good that way.
Yesterday my Dad went to be with the Lord. I was blessed to spend his last hours with him and my Mom. It was more difficult than I can adequately express in mere words. I wanted nothing more than to comfort my father as he struggled and yet I was terrified to watch him die. I wanted to be there for my Mom, but I didn’t really know what to do. I felt lost in wanting to be both caregiver and cared for. But in the midst of it all, God was so clearly there. I felt His presence…His assurance in my confusion and fear. I felt His peace even as I struggled to maintain composure…which I did not do well at all in the end.
Today I opened up my email to see that a post I had written for MomLifeToday was up. I’ve attached it because this one probably isn’t gonna be so great and maybe that one will bless more 🙂 I often have to reread what I write because I can’t remember it well…honestly, I can’t remember much well at this point…my family has been laughing at me for the past couple of days because I’m such a goof. Anyway, I digress. I reread what I had written in my post “No Pretty Little Bow” and God so sweetly reminded me through my own words that He can be trusted.
See there are a lot of things I wish I could have done differently this past week. There are a lot of things I don’t understand. And sometimes I can be a self-beater-upper. But if I truly believe that I can trust God with everything, why do I have to play Monday morning quarterback with everything? I can second-guess with the best of them…my friend says I need to stop “shoulding” all over myself…ain’t that the truth.
Today I’m reminding myself that God can be trusted. God does love me. There is nothing more I can do because He has done it all. I need only rest in the knowledge that my life is in His hands…my father’s life was in His hands…my children’s lives are in His hands.
He will guide my footsteps. Sometimes we will go places I’d rather not, but if I keep my focus on Him it’ll all turn out just fine in the end. It has to…that’s His plan and His plan is always perfect.
I’ve always said that the adjective that best describes my house is “sticky” – not the most sought after description I know. But today, I feel like I might actually be living in the bottom of an old cracker box…full of crumbs and cracker dust. Seriously, everywhere I look is a preponderance of dust. Not sure what changed but…dang!
Recently I have had SO much to do and SO little time to do it. It isn’t like that is unusual for me, but this time I have a contractual deadline for a project so I gotta get it done and I can’t just do my usual fly by the seat of my pants thing. I must do this really well. Actually I’d prefer to do everything really well.
Last month was crazy busy. I don’t think I’ve ever understood that phrase to the extent that I do now. Between end of the school year activities, room mom responsibilities, senior graduation and all the accompanying things, parties, birthdays, 3 trips out of town to help with my parents’ health issues, and…oh yeah…I got the first edits of a big project in the middle of it all. Nothing like “perfect” timing. I must believe that God has this all under control because I most definitely do not.
I seem to be back in my sleep-a-little, work-a-lot mode. And unfortunately, as I’m working so hard on so many things, my house gets dustier and dustier and dustier. The dishes get done, the laundry gets done and meals get made. Well….meals…hmmmm…I feel like I’m not doing the best job on that front either…thankfully I have children who are good eaters because I’m throwing veggies and fruit at them all the time to make up for the lame meals I’m preparing. I’m blessed to have understanding children…who are also quite good at flying by the seat of their pants!
See I am helping my children without even realizing it! I’m helping them be flexible, spontaneous and not easy flustered by unexpected scheduling issues. I love how God can take one of my many flaws and turn it around to something kinda positive.
So now I’m figuring out how to breath better in the midst of my sticky,dusty chaos…I’m trying to chill a bit. Do any of you struggle with chillin’? I’m finding it incredibly difficult not to feel like I’m in a whirlwind mentally, emotionally, and even physically lately. I believe it all begins with simply too much to think about, consider, deal with and decide. I’m wanting a mental break not a mental breakdown. Being mentally overloaded tends to make me feel emotionally spent as well. I feel frazzled and a bit hopeless in my outlook which tends to make me either sad or fussy depending on the situation or day. All that mental and emotional baggage makes my bed lumpy so I don’t tend to sleep well. I have some silly health issues which make sleep imperative so if I don’t get sleep I worry about my health and then I feel worse. Know what I mean? Mind games…and not fun ones.
Thankfully, I feel like I’m coming out on the other side of my little black rain cloud…or maybe I should say my funnel cloud. And it isn’t because things have necessarily gotten “better,” but I believe I’ve gotten better at dealing with things – those blasted things that destroy my peace, overwhelm me and make my house dusty.
My faith is strengthening me – God has not abandoned me. I’m continually learning to trust Him. He is working all this for good in my life because I love Him. My friends are strengthening me with kind and encouraging words…and also a few “put your big girl pants on” words. My children are strengthening me simply because I love them so dearly and want to give them my best. They don’t need a whiny, fussy, overwhelmed mommy! And I am putting on my big girl pants because I want to be the best woman and mom I can be.
I must get my focus off of the chaos and onto the hope God gives me. And I’ll have to get used to the dust because the to do list isn’t shrinking anytime soon!