stormy skySanity in the Storm
Why is it that I’m most productive, energetic, and awake after eleven pm?  Seriously.  Why can’t I be a morning person?  Actually I think I would be if I would just GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!  I know if I put my head on my pillow I’d be sound asleep in seconds and yet I’m sitting here typing…goofball.

I’ve just gotta get on a better schedule…it’s probably going to mean that I don’t get much done for at least a day…or a night. But golly it would be a good thing to do!

I’m highly motivated to get things done. I’ve started writing down a lot of to-do lists and I’m thoroughly enjoying checking things off.  I feel much better about things…although there are definitely days when I don’t have the pleasure of checking off many things on my list.  Days when things just don’t go as planned and everything goes wonky on me.  

I’m finding that much of my success depends on my attitude. A positive attitude seems to enable me to accomplish more. I think it’s because I’m not allowing myself to feel or be defeated by the day. 

I trust God even when things go kablooey. I know that God will use even the craziest of days to help me be the woman He designed me to be. 

The blog I’m sharing from MomLifeToday.com, Sanity in the Storm, is one a wrote about a totally different kind of list…my list of things that overwhelm.  Unfortunately I seem to be able to check everything on that list almost daily.  I do definitely struggle with the whole overwhelmed thing…entirely too much if you ask me.  Especially considering I KNOW that God loves me and will not give me more than I can handle with Him.

The problem is that I keep trying to handle everything without Him.  Again…goofball. 

I do know without a doubt that God did not make me to be overwhelmed nor did He make me to do my life without Him.  I’m made for so much more…I’m made for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control…all those fruit of the Spirit…and I’m made for relationship with my Lord and Savior!  I’m made to do this life with Him.

And I’m so thankful because I can’t imagine any other way to do it!

The Most Important

trampoline picAs I’ve been preparing for my talk at the MomLife Bootcamp this weekend, I was once again reminded that my life is not conducive to completing projects in a timely and organized manner.

I used to be an organized person…or at least I used to be able to appear like an organized person.

In my pre-mommy life I was a conference planner, but that was before 5 other people could mess with my schedule, my to-do list, and my sanity.

I really am a planner at heart. I really want to be that organized, put together, getterdone, check things off my list kinda gal. But I always seem to be waylaid.

I’d like to be able to accomplish SOMETHING! Anything!!!

There is always something that sneaks up and changes the dynamics of my day. I’ve said before that I feel like I’m always flying by the seat of my pants because my best-laid plans are for naught most days.

Spontaneity is great for a night out but not as a way of life.

I’m wondering if maybe putting a little bit less on my to-do list would be helpful…then maybe I could end the day without feeling disappointed.
I have a friend who says, “Do a little, do it well.” I think I’m more “Do a lot, do it okay.” Or “Try to do a lot. Find you can’t. Then beat yourself up about it.”

Yeah that’s me.

My kids want me…just me. Not me and a perfect house…you can’t have any fun in a perfect house anyway.

There are a lot of sayings about a messy house being a happy home. I get the idea to a point but a little order is good…right? I think the key is finding balance, understanding my priorities, relaxing.

Maybe relaxing some of our expectations…the reasonable ones and the unreasonable ones.

Honestly, we all probably need to relax in general. I know…show me how, when and where and I’m there.

As much as I wish relaxing was a glass of sweet tea, a good book and a hammock…mine is more sitting on the grass watching my son’s soccer game, putting aside my work to enjoy my daughters riding bikes in the culdesac, or sharing the sofa with 3 or more children to watch a movie.

In some ways maybe it’s an attitude.

Choosing not to stress about the stuff we can’t fix and maybe even the stuff we can.

Now that’s a God-sized task to be sure! But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13) There is also this lovely verse, ‘In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.” (Isaiah 30:15)

I think it’s okay to be still and quiet and rest.

Okay, so how are we gonna do this rest thing?

I’ve been trying to figure it out for days, months…years.

When was the last time I felt rested, calm, and strong? Actually I do remember a time.

It was right after my husband announced he wanted to leave. Those months of anguish were also months of profound peace and calm. I believe it was solely because I was saturated with Scripture. I also had a clarity about what was important. And it wasn’t accomplishing great things nor was it a clean house or work completed. It was and always will be my children.

Tonight my children asked if they could all go jump on the trampoline. It was close to bedtime, but I wanted to work a little bit longer on my talk, so I said, “Ok, just 10 minutes.” As I sat near the window listening to my children laughing and playing, I couldn’t stop thinking that I wanted to be out there with them. I just had to put my stuff aside.

When I walked out barefoot ready to jump, my kids all asked, rather incredulously, “Momma, are you going to jump with us?” I cannot tell you how thankful I was that God had prompted me to put aside the important for the most important.

I guess it’s rather simple, isn’t it? Soaking up the scripture and pouring into our children. That’s not too much to organize! I might be able to do that!
I know that there is much more to it than that…living this single parent life is so difficult and overwhelming at times. But maybe we need to take our eyes off of all the craziness and focus on Christ and put aside the to-do list and focus on the people in our lives. Maybe we can stop trying so hard to do so much and we can just be for a bit.

Be in prayer. Be in the Word. Be with our people.

God’s got this. He’s got our. He’s got us.

He’s even got this silly talk I can’t seem to get my head around. I’m so thankful.

Still not organized…but thankful.

Not the List I Wanted to Make

list pic

I’ve been feeling all twisted up in knots.  If I could attach a video (which I probably can but honestly the thought of trying to figure out how and trying to look good enough in it kinda twists me up in more knots) you’d see me waving my hands all over the place to symbolize how my chest feels inside – all frenetic.

There’ve been many things in the last four years that I’ve felt more acutely than I thought possible – physical reactions to emotional things.  A broken heart really does feel broken.  A lump in my throat really does make it difficult to swallow.  And stress really can feel crushing on the chest. 

Lately, I’ve felt a heavy chest burden pressing down on me.  I’ve felt on the edge of tears often…and have even hidden in my closet and jumped over that edge a few times.  I was trying to explain it to a friend. I just couldn’t say exactly why…all I could say was that the last four years have made me very tired and I feel like a just want to hide – preferably in a nice house on the ocean.

I began listing a few of the things that are doing me in – individually a fair number of them seemed absurd while others seemed ridiculously overwhelming.  My friend struggled to understand…asked questions I had no answers for. I just couldn’t figure out what to say.  I was beginning to feel like I was losing my ever-loving mind.  My poor dear friend.

When I got off the phone I decided that it might help to take the time to write everything out….to make a list of everything that causes me stress.  Definitely not the list I wanted to make.  It was a lot longer than I thought it would be.  And I’d left off lots of things that drive me bonkers…wet towels on the floor, never-ending laundry, things opened and not closed, those potential science experiments developing in the cup holders in the backseat of the car, the food left out on the counter, the rust stain streaking down and the green stuff growing up the side of my house, the giant crack in my front steps, the river that occasionally runs through my backyard, contacts that rip, crockpots that crack…oh and taxes.  Golly, I just made another list! 

The list that I made was a bit unusual as lists go, but it really helped to see it all in front of me and I realized that I’m not crazy.  I actually do have a lot on my plate…and there are a lot of issues in my life. 

At a Bible study in college, we did an exercise that impacted me greatly.  We wrote some of the things we struggled with or regrets we had on little slips of paper.  We then put all the slips of paper in a flowerpot, put the flowerpot in a towel, and smashed it to smithereens.  It was cathartic.  In a very visual way, it demonstrated that when we give things to God they are dealt with…our sins are forgiven and our issues resolved. 

I believe that idea works well with things that cause stress in our lives.  In a sense, I had to write mine down so that I could recognize that I wasn’t being irrational and overemotional.  It also helped me to understand that I’m at a point where I really and truly can’t handle all that God has allowed in my life.  I just can’t.  So if I can’t handle things, what do I do?  It’s easy to SAY just let God handle it…beware of any sentence that includes the word “just”…it’s always a doozey.  I’m trying to let God handle things, but I’d really like to know what His plan is… you know, where we are headed, when we are going to get there, who is going to be involved, and our mode of transportation. He does not often share those insights with me.  I believe I’m supposed to move forward with a small flashlight and trust that He’s guiding the beam. 

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.  Psalm 119:105

Oh that I was better at that trust thing. 

Mentally I get it…I KNOW I can trust God with the big and little things, but I still FEEL like I should be doing something to make things better, to make things work out properly.  I guess the point is that I don’t know how to fix most things and I don’t know what “fixed” really looks like anyway.  Even as I write this I can’t seem to let go of my desire to get things where I think they should be.  Let me give you an example:

I’ve got children who are struggling with things.  Things I feel like I should have been able to help them avoid.  There are things I can’t seem to be consistent on.  Boundaries I can’t seem to keep hard and fast…I’m sorta soft and slow on things.  I’m fearful I will lose my most important battles if I don’t get tougher.  That stresses me out.  Why can’t I trust that God loves my children more than me…that He will completely take care of things? I carry a burden I shouldn’t – I need to carry His not mine.  His is easy and light…mine is suffocating me.

And yet, I have a responsibility to raise my children well.  I can’t just throw my hands up and do a “Jesus take the wheel” thing.  I actually have to do something!  It’s the something that’s getting me.  I know that God is teaching me to not base my self-worth on what I accomplish or how well I do what He has called me to do.  He wants me to love Him and love others.  I believe if I could just stop trying to change everything and everyone, I might actually end up loving God and others much better.  

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8

I wish I had some final words of wisdom…some grand revelation I could share that would untie my knots and yet tie this post up with a lovely little bow.  I don’t have one right now.  I’ve been trying to figure one out and I think I’m realizing that this is part of the process of healing and growing and learning.  And it’s okay not to have the answer or the pretty bow right now.  But I promise as soon as I do, I’ll share!

What I do know…God is faithful and He will provide all that I need to accomplish all He has called me to do. 

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13

This Not So Exaggerated Life

The past 6 days…ugh.
Here are the highlights:

  • 1 baby root canal
  • 2 dental appointments
  • 2 cars that both failed inspection
  • 4 new Suburban tires
  • 1 very rude car mechanic
  • 1 broken AC condensations thingy – wet basement
  • 1 dead cherry tree
  • 3 sick children
  • 2 unexpected massive medical bills
  • 1 unexpected doctor’s appointment
  • 2 sleepless nights because of back pain
  • 1 sleepless night because of anxious thoughts
  • 1 child with nightmares
  • 2 broken dresser drawers
  • 1 broken hall shoe trunk
  • 1 looming manuscript deadline
  • 1 broken dishwasher

(And a partridge in a pear tree…)

My life seems like an exaggeration.  Way too many things go wrong, way too many things are difficult, way too many things are complicated, and way too many things drive me bonkers!  But seriously…this really is my ridiculous life!

You wanna know what’s funny? The dishwasher was my undoing. Who knew a dishwasher could bring me to my emotional knees. Something about a sink full of dirty dishes and a counter full of drying dishes has simply knocked me down. I’m done.

I say that but earlier this week it was the snarky auto mechanic who made me weep all the way home. It was more the “one more thing” than the actual thing itself. You know what I mean? It was the one thing after another after another…thankfully, at this moment it’s kinda funny looking back over the week.

Kinda.

I have to admit I have a little attitude right now. I’m a bit put out that God would allow so much to invade my already overwhelmed life. Earlier this week I woke up at a very early hour practically having a panic attack about all the decisions I need to make in the next couple of days — huge decisions, life-altering decisions, piddley little pain in the tushy decisions, and regular everyday ugh decisions. I think the most difficult part of being a single parent lately has been the mental stuff. The one thing to decide, to think through, to consider, to deal with after another. I can’t seem to get a handle on all the things I need to deal with — and I feel like I’m dropping things left and right. Sometimes I feel like I should write a big “FAIL” over my to-do list at the end of the day. My house is still a wreck…I still forgot 5 phone calls I really needed to make…I didn’t mail that really important letter…I totally forgot that bill that was due today…I remembered too late to call and make that appointment…I left the wet laundry in the wash too long and it needs to be redone…the garden still needs to be weeded…the car didn’t get cleaned out…I forgot to get my son to write thank you notes for his birthday which was 3 months ago…that reminds me, I forgot to have my children write Christmas thank you notes too…I forget more than I remember lately. And then I beat myself up for things because I’m not teaching my children to be thankful, organized, tidy…FAIL!!!

When I get like this my dear friend and prayer partner reminds me that there is no condemnation in Christ. Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” There is another verse I really like that kind of piggy backs on that… 1 John 3:19-23 says, “By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him. And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us.” I love that God knows everything, knows my heart, and still doesn’t condemn me. Believe me! I know my heart and I definitely deserve to be condemned! How greatly He loves me! I’m in awe.

So as much as I want to condemn myself for my failure to live up to my expectations, God doesn’t. He loves me despite my failures…despite my response to all the crummy stuff happening in my world right now. I’m so thankful because I don’t feel terribly lovable. Just ask my kids…the dishwasher really does make me fussy. My bad attitude must be showing because all my kids are actually taking turns washing the dishes!

I’m praying next week won’t be so difficult. I’m praying that there will be no more broken things, no more sickness, no unexpected doctors or dentist appointments, and maybe a to do list that actually has a happy ending!

Oh…and maybe a massage!!!