In the Middle of the Night

FullSizeRender (7)It is the middle of the night and I’m awake.  Wide awake.

Yesterday I stayed home from work because I’ve been fighting a wicked cold or flu thing and I slept most of the day.  I was actually thinking I might be well-rested for the next day.

No such luck.

Part of the problem is my house got quite warm and I just don’t sleep in warmth.

Secondly, I’m anxious.

…do not be anxious about anything…

Everytime I say the word anxious, those words pop into my head.

And yet, I’m having difficulty letting go of my fear.

It’s this storm coming.

It’s feeling unprepared.

It’s the fact that I delayed something I shouldn’t have.  Been on my to-do list for 3 months.  Since I bought this house.

And I haven’t done it…just kept moving it to the next day.

For three months.

So many things are like that for me…there is just so much to do.  What other really important things have I missed, forgotten, or put too far down the list?

I’m watching the rain drizzle right now, and fearing the deluge that is predicted.

I keep praying…placing my fear in God’s hands…and then picking it back up again…then repeating the process until I can’t sleep.

I have thought about walking around my home praying.  I began my walk and then decided that I want to write some verses down and place them around my house.  I’ve wanted to do that for a while as well.

Why did I buy a house close to water?

Water and me…well, we have a history.  Wet basement over and over again. Wet yard…rivers running through it over and over again. Wet. Wet. Wet.

Even my kids have joked that we will just have to accept that we are destined to own a water park at some point in our lives…I’m just hoping it isn’t my first floor.

…but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving

let your requests be made known to God…

I am praying…now I need to start thanking.

I am so very thankful for this wonderful house.  So thankful for the dreamy yard.  So thankful for the beautiful wood floors.  So thankful for the bedrooms for children.  So thankful for a washer and dryer that work.  So thankful for air conditioning.  So thankful for my relaxing backporch.  So thankful for kind neighbors.  So thankful for my little kitchen.  So thankful for a place to live.

Oh but even as I pray and know know know that I can trust my God who gave this all to me…I’m fearful.

I know it is because sometimes things still go horribly awry.  Sometimes prayers aren’t answered the way I hoped…the way that seemed best.

What if…?

How often have I uttered that phrase, if not aloud at least in my head…and even my heart?

Too many times.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

Deep breath.

Peace…peace I can’t even understand.

Seems illusive at the moment.

I feel desperate for it.  I can almost taste it, but…why am I struggling?

God says present my request with thanksgiving…let God know what I’m feeling, thinking, worrying about, thanking Him for…and the peace will come.

It doesn’t seem like I have to do anything but give it to Him…and not be anxious.

Is it in the process of praying that the peace comes?  Do I just pray until it pours over me like syrup?  Soft and smooth…stick-to-me peace?

Do I make myself not anxious?

I don’t think so, because if I could I wouldn’t need to pray and it would be my own peace not His.

So…how do I give up this little bit of panic that is clawing at my chest?

Back to my knees…Lord, how do I have peace?

I’m desperate for a few more minute of sleep, but I want to feel that peace that surpasses all understanding…for both my heart and my mind.

Right now it feels like my mind needs it most.

It’s whirling and I’m weary.

How do I grasp it God?

And again…I’m reminded.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances;

 for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Ok…pray.

Father, for me right now, it is the fear of losing my home in a storm.  This precious home you have given to me and my children.  This lovely home that I long to grow old in with people I love nearby.  This dear place you provided my little family with…this house.  Lord, you know me…you know my fears and my anxious thoughts.  And you know that sometimes I worry about dumb stuff, but Lord this feels huge.  This house, in the 3 months we have been here, has had some little hiccups…and even those have felt discouraging to me.  Oh Father, I’m so afraid.  I’m so afraid of losing more.  This past week you have revealed to me that I have an idol of control in my life.  This is definitely not something I can control…at all.  I can’t even begin to control the weather or the water or even the insurance company, but Lord I can trust You.  I know I can.  So why am I so afraid?  I think I know why.  It is because I know sometimes you use difficult things to bring us closer to you…and I do want to be closer to you Lord.  I’m just so afraid of more difficult things.  More struggles.  More heartache.  Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.  I believe you are good.  I believe you love me.  I believe you have a plan.  I believe you will provide.  I believe I can trust you.  I believe you know me and know what is best.  There is not one thing that happens in my life that has not first gone through your hands.  Lord, I trust that your hands hold only good for me and my children.  Lord, I have to grab hold of your peace and say, “your will be done” and rest in that.  Lord, I know you are good and wise and loving and faithful and kind.   Lord, practically speaking, could you allow me to get flood insurance tomorrow?  Please.  If I do, I know it is all you.  If I don’t, I know that it is your plan that I trust you without it.  Either way, I trust that you are working.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

P.S.  I have no insurance until the end of the month, BUT I have peace.  I’ll take that peace any day!  God is so good.  I didn’t believe I could feel peace about all this, but I do.  And that, my dear friends, is totally a Holy Spirit thing!  God is so gracious to me.  I laid it before Him, left it there, and He gave me peace in return!  I’m so thankful!  More than I can say.

Storm is coming, but it’s okay.

A dear friend sent me a passage this morning that TOTALLY blessed me:

Psalm 107:28-32

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.  He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed.  Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven.  Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man!  Let them extol him in the congregation of the people, and praise him in the assembly of the elders. 

God is good all the time…with floods and no floods.  All the time God is good!

When You Just Need to See Him…

snowy trees and sky

While standing in the line at the grocery store yesterday, my phone rang.  It was a friend from church.  She said, “Hey, I’m bringing dinner to you tonight – you gonna be there in 30 minutes?”

I’m sure the lady at the register thought I was a little nuts (yeah that happens a lot) because my eyes welled up with tears. 

It’s been one of those couple of weeks where I’ve been blessed to see God provide again and again and again.  I’m not talking about huge things…it’s a bunch of little things that just speak such tender love to me from my Father.

Its meals that are provided at just the right time.  Its 2 hour delays when I could really use a little more sleep.  Its people doing unexpectedly kind things for me when I least expect it,

A few weeks ago when I broke my foot I was placed in a pretty purple cast.  We’ll apparently my leg is claustrophobic because in the middle of the night it was just desperate to be out of that blasted cast.  During the day all was fine, but come 3am…not so good.  I’d end up getting up because otherwise I’d just be lying in bed thinking about it and feeling like I was gonna go bonkers. 

And sleep, being such a precious commodity, lost for a silly claustrophobic leg is completely unacceptable.  So after a sleepless week, I made an appointment to go back to the doctor and beg him to take it off. 

I’d researched online and found out that a boot is an acceptable alternative.  The doctor was very kind, but he said my break is a difficult one to heal and the cast was preferable.  When I shared that I had been up since 3 am and a little bit about my life, he immediately said, “Let’s get that cast off and see how well your foot is healing and if all is good you can use the boot.”

Alleluia!  I prayed fervently that my bone looked okay so I wouldn’t leave with another colorful cast.  Praise God no new cast was necessary. 

As I was preparing to leave, the doctor said, “I don’t want you to have a copay – please tell the ladies up front to refund you.”  I practically burst into tears.  I’d been lamenting the cost of my claustrophobia and here God loved me again through a very kind and thoughtful doctor.  It was especially nice because it was absolutely an unnecessary appointment in the grand scheme of things. 

I wish I could remember all the little things that have happened to encourage me in a day – but they are hidden in my heart. 

 The gracious love of my Savior extends even to the smallest detail of my day.

How He loves me. 

There is such comfort in those little blessings – sometimes more than the big stuff. 

It’s a precious reminder that God walks with me every minute of every day – He doesn’t just show up for the big stuff.  I’ve seen Him during the storms, felt Him during the pain, heard Him during the questions, and known Him during the trauma. He is showing me that He is there every moment, whether big or small. 

I want to encourage you to find Him in your day…look for Him in those small moments…seek Him in the seconds…listen for Him as you live each day. 

Write down those moments, those reminders of His love for you, so you can look back and be blessed.

You can remember that He’s there. 

He’s here.

Oh how He loves you.

Do You Know How to Count?

photo (5)   I discovered today that a broken foot has one odd benefit.  I can wear socks out of the box under my bed.  It’s a box full of socks with no match, but they are ones I really like so I keep holding out hope the match will miraculously appear.  So far no luck.  (and truly I believe this is misplaced hope – it’s been years)

Today I pulled out my favorite sock and smiled at this whole box of fun socks I haven’t worn in forever. But now I get to!

Simple pleasures.

Other than the socks I’m hard-pressed to think of a benefit to this silly broken foot.

The first night I was trying to fall asleep with my cast on and pity partying with the best of them.  I pouted for a bit, but I realized I needed to pull myself together.  So I started to count my blessings…

I broke my left not my right foot so I can drive – although my oldest daughter just got her learners permit so I don’t really get to drive anymore…ever.

I didn’t break my hand so I can still work and do school.

I don’t have to have surgery.

I have great kids who help when I need it…granted I do need to holler most of the time, but I’m good at that!

And a Mama who shows up when I need her…THAT is sacrificial love to come to this nutty place!

And now, I’ve had the blessing of sweet friends who have been making me dinners for a week!  And friends who have helped with my house.  And friends who have picked up and delivered my children different places.  And friends who call and check on me. I truly am blessed.

Seriously blessed.

When I was young, my Mom and I sang a duet at church – Count Your Blessings.

“Count your blessings name them one by one and you’ll be surprised to see what God has done…”

Recently someone sent me those lyrics too!  I love that song.

I think it’s a beautiful thing – because we absolutely see God’s love, provisions, and protection when we start paying attention.

Today in my Bible study I saw a slightly different use of the word count.  I was reading Philippians 3 and I was so struck by these verses:

But whatever gain I had I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.  For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness form God that depends on faith – that I may know him and the power of his resurrection and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.  Philippians 3:7-12

In some ways it is more a count the cost thing… not a count the blessings.  But the cool thing is that in counting the cost Paul recognizes that the cost is nothing compared to Christ – the ultimate Blessing.  Oh I love that!

I wish I lived like that!  I wish I was more like Paul… more like Paul in things like this, not the thorn in the side (got that), not in the doing what I don’t want to do (yup got that) and not doing what I want to do (got that too).  I want the “to live is Christ, to die is gain” thing.  I want to live like a truly know, believe, get, want, have the understanding that everything fades in comparison to Christ.

I’m getting there.  Gosh, I think sometimes I’m 10 steps back 8 steps forward 14 steps back 9 steps forward.  I think the good thing is that I’m still moving forward – I believe that is wholly a God thing.  God pursues me and loves me back again and again and again…and each time I’m even more grateful, even more in awe of Him.

There are things that I can count as blessings and there are things I can count as costs of following Christ.  Some blessings are surprisingly good and some costs are significantly painful, but I know that Christ is worth it all.  He always has been and always will be.

Accepting Good Gifts

Why is it that sometimes when God answers a prayer, it is so difficult to accept it without questions or doubts?  To believe that God loves you enough to bless you so much?

For the past several years I have prayed many prayers…placed many requests at the foot of the throne of grace.  I have asked for more things than I can possibly share in a few short words.

Recently God has answered one of my prayers in a very real and in my face kind of way…and yet, I still doubt if the gift is indeed for me.  I still question whether this is something that God would want to do for me.

But God does love to give His children good gifts…”if you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”  Matthew 7:11

I love that God gives good gifts, but I have to be honest and tell you that I really wanted to leave out the “who are evil” part of that verse and replace it with “…”  That is just like me to avoid the part that is uncomfortable.  I do understand what Jesus is saying though.  He is comparing us with God – and really there is no comparison.  We are terribly flawed and God is awesomely perfect.

For example, our gifts are most often given because it’s expected, or we feel obligated, or we are hoping to be rewarded in some way.  Not that there aren’t times when we just really want to bless someone and our motives are pure.  But if we honestly looked at ourselves we could most definitely NOT say our motives are basically always pure, because they very rarely are.

BUT God…now that’s another story.  He is all good and all love.  There is not a selfish motive in Him.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”  James 1:17

God’s character does not change.  His word is faithful and true.  So if God says He loves to give me good gifts who am I to question Him?  If it is His good and perfect will that I be blessed with answered prayers, why do I not revel in the joy of it?  Instead I choose to doubt…to doubt His everlasting love for me…to doubt He would plan good things for me…to doubt that He can indeed turn my mourning to dancing.

God has more than revealed that He is faithful and good to me.

I am choosing to trust that my God loves me.  I am choosing to be thankful for answered prayer and good gifts.  I am choosing to be excited as I watch His plan for my life unfold.

I am choosing Him.