Oh am I having a pity-party today or what?!.
I’m all sad and lonely and feeling unchosen and unloved.
And I can’t for the life of me figure out how to get out of this funk I find myself in.
I’m trying to get into shape so I can’t sneak chocolate or drink a Coca-Cola (my usual mood enhancers).
I’m lactose-intolerant so the college years thing of eating ice cream as a way of dealing with drama is out.
I’m determined not to be a lush so I’m not gonna drown my sorrows alone with a glass of wine.
I have a houseful of children so wandering around wailing is definitely out, although highly likely if I don’t get myself together.
Woman, what is wrong with you?
Love in my house feels very conditional these days.
So many times I feel like if I don’t do what everyone wants, I’m not worthy of love…not valuable.
And the times I feel loved…well deep inside… I’m desperate to keep it. Desperate to hold on to it like a crazy woman.
(I have the lyrics “love me like crazy” running through my head, and I don’t even know if that’s a real song.)
Oh Father, please love me…love me like crazy!
I know that He has chosen me, but lately it even feels that at times I can’t figure out how to really truly believe that He loves and chooses me. How could my Father love me so much? Me?
I’m ashamed to even share how I look at myself. How I view this woman I am.
I’m working to not define myself as a failure – because I do that a lot.
I live with some people who sometimes don’t seem to value me apart from what I can do for them – who can’t begin to understand how much it hurts to be treated the way they do.
I have raised some children who don’t help, don’t hear, don’t care.
I have raised some children who could care less if I’m tired, weary, overwhelmed, and overworked.
I have raised people who drain me of all I have to give.
And yet, I love them desperately.
I love them and I’d choose them and I want them in my life.
These people who crush my heart so often.
I choose them.
I love them relentlessly.
Wait a minute.
I wasn’t planning on going here.
But God just totally opened my eyes.
THAT is how God loves me…only perfectly.
I was just writing to deal with my sorrow and God turned it around AGAIN. My goodness! He is amazing!
I might feel like no one chooses me, but God does.
God chooses me every time. Every day. Every moment.
Even when I’m unlovable, unkind, unfaithful, un–everything. He chooses me – He loves me.
Just like I love all those difficult people God has given me.
Just like I’d choose my children over and over again regardless of how much they break my heart and drive me bonkers.
I love them like crazy!
God loves me like crazy!
I think I just started getting out of that funk…