This past weekend my youngest daughters started playing basketball with a local Christian program. It’s such fun to see them playing. They’ve never played before and at times it looked like a cross between football, soccer, rugby, and wrestling. I was laughing a lot. But another feeling crept in as I sat in that gymnasium. I was overcome with feelings of sorrow for what I have lost…what my children have lost.
Families came in together. Fathers and mothers with little lines of children walked through the doors one after the other. I saw interaction I’ve missed. I saw affection, unity, and love between parents. I saw married couples coaching together and parents parenting together.
It brought back feelings of disbelief again.
How in the world did my life happen?
I never imagined when I walked down the aisle to my husband that life would be anything but love for a lifetime, raising our children to love the Lord, and serving Him together. Together.
Sitting together watching the rugby match…I mean basketball practice…enjoying our children’s activities together.
How is our family not together?
There are still days when I can’t believe this is the life my God has allowed for my children. When those thoughts land heavily on my mind and heart, I, over and over again, endeavor to take them captive. (I wish I could think of a good basketball analogy for this…but alas, I cannot…just…too…tired…)
Today I’m working on it. I’m taking them captive again…and again and again.
God brought me to Psalm 145 and showed me some things:
- I will not get the answers here…at least not all of them, but my God is greater than the answers I seek and I know I can trust Him.
Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable. (v. 3)
- There are always wonderful things about God’s faithfulness I can share with my children and others (like you!). I’m paying attention to the blessings.
One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts. On the glorious splendor of your majesty, and on your wondrous works, I will meditate. (v. 4-5)
- This verse seems rather self-explanatory
The LORD is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. The LORD is good to all and his mercy is over all that he has made. (vs. 8-9)
- My Lord is faithful.
The LORD is faithful in all his words and kind in all his works. (v.13b)
- My Father will hold me through this trial.
The LORD upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. (v. 14)
- My God will provide all I need.
You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing. (v.16)
- My Lord is with me and He is good!
The LORD is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. Psalm 145:17-18
- My Savior will do this life with me…there is togetherness with God.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. (v. 18)
- My Lord will save and preserve me.
He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them. The LORD preserves all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy. (vs. 19-20)
Throughout my life, I’ve had to continually remind myself of my God and His great love for me.
Sometimes I’m just overwhelmed by this world…it is NOT my home. (Thankfully!!!!)
So much is not how I imagined it would be when I was little and looking forward to being a wife and mother. It’s not how I imagined it would be when I said “yes” to my kneeling husband. It’s not how I imagined it would be when I held each of my dear children for the 1st time. At no point did I imagine this life for me or my children…or my ex-husband for that matter.
This life is just unimaginable.
But it is my life…so I don’t have to imagine it anyway. I just have to live it. Just get on the court and play ball. (There it is…I knew I had one basketball reference in me!)
How do I do that?
How do I live this life in a way that doesn’t ache constantly? I haven’t quite figured that out yet. God is showing me.
I will say that when I’m in the Word and praying…the ache is barely noticeable.
It’s the same lesson I learn over and over and over and over (how many overs can I write to convey how often I “learn” this lesson…oh that I would actually learn it).
That lesson…focus on Christ not my circumstances.
Choose to be overwhelmed by life or by Christ.
Well…today right now…I’m making a choice. Things might still hurt at times. Sorrow might surprise me with a visit at the most inopportune times. Disappointment might descend when I’m trying to find the good in this life. Challenges might chase me down each and every day…BUT…
Today…today…I’m choosing Christ.